African Door Mouse

If I were an African door mouse being carried away by a self-conscious flying elephig (elephant pig) who wants to cook me into a non-vegetarian casserole, would you save me by shooting un-shelled peanuts and dinner rolls at it?

Pizza Hut Hobo

If I had a friend star-nosed mole who worked as a personal cart pusher at Wally World and a friend Proboscis monkey who worked as a hostess and janitor in the Starbucks of an evil lair, would you try to get me a job working as a hobo outside a Pizza Hut?

Emperor Tamarin

If I were an emperor tamarin working as a cashier at target and an old man trying to buy a package of Polly Pockets and a jar of bacon-flavored peanut butter dressed up as a synchronized scuba diver wearing floaties called me a moldy sprinkle and then attempted to pay me in Monopoly money, would you chase him out with a toy chainsaw?

Demented Leafy Sea Dragon

If I were a demented leafy sea dragon on team Jacob and I had a best friend white-faced Saki monkey on team Edward and he was about to steal my blue "Team Jacob" T-shirt, would you steal his Edward snow globe that he keeps under his tin statue of a port-a-potty?

Phantom Of The Opera

If the phantom of the opera was stealing my piggy mask that I made in 2 1/2 grade out of some Spaghetti-o's, safety pins, and Alphabits, would you wake me up by pouring garlic sauce on my head so that I could chase him into a pit of dog toys while wearing a fez?

Flying Spaghetti Monster

If I were a flying spaghetti monster whose airplane pot was about to be invaded by the rotten tomato ghoul, would you put dry ice in the water so that he will feel the need to make me some garlic bread for when I come back from my daily frolic along the highway?

Jackalope Ninja Assasin

If I were a jackalope ninja assassin being hunt down by an aardvark wizard with FBI training, would you steal his iPhone and download a sandwich maker app so that he will get distracted and not try to blow up the electric scooter I ride to work twelve times a year?