African Door Mouse

If I were an African door mouse being carried away by a self-conscious flying elephig (elephant pig) who wants to cook me into a non-vegetarian casserole, would you save me by shooting un-shelled peanuts and dinner rolls at it?

Pizza Hut Hobo

If I had a friend star-nosed mole who worked as a personal cart pusher at Wally World and a friend Proboscis monkey who worked as a hostess and janitor in the Starbucks of an evil lair, would you try to get me a job working as a hobo outside a Pizza Hut?

Emperor Tamarin

If I were an emperor tamarin working as a cashier at target and an old man trying to buy a package of Polly Pockets and a jar of bacon-flavored peanut butter dressed up as a synchronized scuba diver wearing floaties called me a moldy sprinkle and then attempted to pay me in Monopoly money, would you chase him out with a toy chainsaw?

Demented Leafy Sea Dragon

If I were a demented leafy sea dragon on team Jacob and I had a best friend white-faced Saki monkey on team Edward and he was about to steal my blue "Team Jacob" T-shirt, would you steal his Edward snow globe that he keeps under his tin statue of a port-a-potty?

Phantom Of The Opera

If the phantom of the opera was stealing my piggy mask that I made in 2 1/2 grade out of some Spaghetti-o's, safety pins, and Alphabits, would you wake me up by pouring garlic sauce on my head so that I could chase him into a pit of dog toys while wearing a fez?

Flying Spaghetti Monster

If I were a flying spaghetti monster whose airplane pot was about to be invaded by the rotten tomato ghoul, would you put dry ice in the water so that he will feel the need to make me some garlic bread for when I come back from my daily frolic along the highway?

Jackalope Ninja Assasin

If I were a jackalope ninja assassin being hunt down by an aardvark wizard with FBI training, would you steal his iPhone and download a sandwich maker app so that he will get distracted and not try to blow up the electric scooter I ride to work twelve times a year?

Dyslexic Lantern

If I were a dyslexic lantern filled with customized yellow and blue M&Ms and I was being smashed by two boy scout leaders in a bear costume would you pick up my M&Ms and try to put me back together using super strong glue (preferably gorilla glue)?

Snooty Gas Pump

If I were a snooty gas pump that only takes Visa debit cards and a two foot tall trucker tried to mug me because I insisted that I could jump into his truck and make it fly to Canada if he didn't stop trying to feed me expired chocolate, would you steal his fuzzy pink key chain for me?

Pink and Purple Christmas Fire

If I were a smelly fire on Christmas that glowed pink and purple, would you be there to blow me out so that I don't burn Santa's striped jellybean hat, causing him NOT to leave me my special Harry Potter skillet and my list of recent lady bug deaths that I have been wishing for ever since 2 in the afternoon?

Great Cupcake Empire

If I were to discover that I was the one who accidentally caused the downfall of the Great Cupcake Empire, would you be there to catch me if I had to jump off a bridge made out of Jello® because an angry mob of unicorns and narwhals were chasing me?

Dog House Pilot-In-Training

If I were a German dog house pilot in training with a French Bulldog instructor threatening to set my secret stash of tangerine peels on fire if I don't bring him back a jamocha shake from my ultra-deluxe vacation to Arby's, would you lend me a couple extra bucks?

Home-less Marshmallow Rabbit

If I were a marshmallow rabbit told to leave the cantaloupe orphanage/retirement home and find a new home, would you let me live in your glittery tree house even though it is just half a cardboard moving box sitting on top of a squished baby evergreen tree?

Talented Flying Turtle

If I were a flying turtle whose license to sing on American television was revoked, would you help me with my fake English accent so I could audition for Britain's got Talent even if there is an even better singing duck with hot pink leg warmers who also needs help with her accent?

Dem. Rep. of the Congo Vacation

If I were on vacation in the Democratic Republic of the Congo and a telemarketer with a bolo tie was stalking me, but I couldn't get back home to my pillow fortress because my flight was cancelled due to a zombie apocalypse, would you give me a ride in your goldfish-shaped jet?

Tie-Dye Fortune Cookie

If I were a tie-dye fortune cookie about to be stomped on by an anti-juice protester with a third grade education and an itchy sweater, would you tackle him while holding a wet mop made out of silly string?

Broken Umbrella

If I were a statue of a broken umbrella in the middle of Central Park and evil, Spanglish-speaking squirrels were throwing dirty acorns at me, would you threaten to take away their squeaking privileges if they don't stop?

Rotten Pineapple

If I were a rotten pineapple about to be blended into a disgustingly delicious smoothie by a bald, pie-loving tourist who buys his socks at Wally World, would you save me?

Pink Polka-Dotted Sock

If I were a pink polka-dotted sock with star shaped holes everywhere and I got left in the red American-made dryer, would you post a detailed, humorous, yet touching status update about me on Facebook once you find me -7.02 years later?

Eleventy Year old Sharpie®

If I were an eleventy year old Sharpie® that has an alarm that goes off every three seconds so that you don't lose your seven-hole hole puncher while you're eating your BLT minus the B, L, and T, would you buy me?

Rabid Marshmallow Fires

If I were a file on all the fires started by rabid marshmallows since 1996 about to be shredded due to a lack of papers on tater-tot related fires, would you save me even if there were also bruised pears eating the TARDIS?

Prairie Dog

If I were a prairie dog being dragged to an orthodontist-eating crocodile who lives at 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney by a walking wannabe viola, would you save me?

Craisin

If I were a craisin about to be dropped off a cliff made of pretzel sticks into an ocean filled with vegetarian manatees, would you save me?

Chocolate Chip Mufifn

If I were a chocolate chip muffin about to be eaten by a sweaty computer programmer, would you save me even if there were alien apricots trying to eat the inflatable Eiffel Tower that sits on top of the White House?

Recalled Peanut Butter

If I were a recalled jar of peanut butter about to be thrown away by a violent, anorexic, stiletto-wearing raccoon, would you save me?

Leash Child

If I were a child on a leash about to be dragged into a street filled with vision impaired porpicorns (porpoise unicorns) driving toaster cars, would you save me?